A modest proposal on crime

I think it is agreed by all parties that there are two very real and major issues facing Washington, DC at this time. These issues cause great distress to residents, and drastically reduce our quality of life and property values.

These issues, of course, are 1) crime, and 2) the people who put their dog poop bags in my trash can. Those bags never come out! The trash collectors don’t get them so they just stay there to stink and attract rats. Whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of solving these terrible and quite equally detrimental problems, would deserve so well of the public, as to have their statue set up for a preserver of the city.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

We can correct these two issues with one glorious solution, and bring our fair city to new heights for all. First, we must collect these leavers of poop bags. Then, taking our cues from the 1987 classic film, Robocop, we use the finest modern technology and replace some or most of the offenders organic body parts and organs with metal, wires, and perhaps gears. And definitely guns. The Robocops will need guns. Then the new recruits of this Poop Bag Robocop Patrol, presented by Mayor Muriel Bowser (She has not been informed of the program but it’s only a matter of time before she throws the full weight of The Green Team behind it) will set out to prevent crime! They won’t be allowed SUVs or cell phones so they can’t fall into the laziness trap that plagues MPD. Instead, they will wander the streets unceasingly, sniffing out and eradicating crime any time, day or night.

And lest we think these metal crime-fighting heroes might become a burden to the city themselves, imagine this: how many criminals do you suppose the PBRP must publicly murder before the rest get the picture? I, again humbly, suggest it would be very few indeed. The number could be even lower, perhaps, if we ensure that these murders are put on TikTok, set to the choruses of some of the latest songs popular among the kids. And then the Robocops will slowly run out of batteries, becoming statues to remind us of our crime-ridden past. They can then be used as bike and scooter racks, or to post No Parking signs when people need moving vans or whatever.

And how might we pay for this? Corporate sponsorship. The Robocops will have plenty of space on their shiny carapaces which can be covered in ads! CVS currently sponsors our own Washington Spirit, and they would be a perfect partner for the PBRP. Since CVS is already the symbolic embodiment of crime in the city – I mean, the CVS in Columbia Heights CLOSED. I didn’t even realize that was a thing that could happen. But soon it will be able to reopen, more glorious and profitable for the corporate landlord than ever before, as our city basks in the glow of a new light!

I profess in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my city. Removing the poop bags from my trash can might seem in my personal interest, but one must look at the broader picture, where if my trash cans are not a constant buffet for rats, then perhaps these cursed creatures might be fully driven from our city!

With no apologies whatsoever to Jonathan Swift.

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