Category: Washington DC

Boycott Bike to Work Day 2025

The main Bike to Work Day (BTWD) pit stop in DC, Franklin Park, is not served by any bike infrastructure of any kind. Unless and until this is remedied, all cyclists and all vendors should avoid this pit stop completely.

This was my 12th BTWD. Ok, 11th if you don’t count Boat to Work Day where it rained so much they had to park a Circulator Bus at Freedom Plaza to give out t-shirts.

I ride a few thousand miles a year, mostly in DC. I’m okay riding in traffic. But the point of BTWD is not to get cyclists like me a new cheap t-shirt and a water bottle with some vendor name on it. The point is to show regular people that they can bike to work. It’s lunacy to expect inexperienced or hesitant cyclists to brave lower 14th St NW. I certainly wouldn’t send my friends and family there.

I can’t imagine sending someone to that stop who wasn’t already an experienced city cyclist. And not all stops are like this. The main Virginia stop at Rosslyn is well-served by bike infrastructure (and the Intersection of Doom is better-ish, I haven’t been nearly killed there in years). The old spot at Freedom Plaza in DC shows off the lanes on 15th St NW and PA Ave NW (and to a lesser extent 11th NW, which is still WAY better than 14th NW).

But Franklin Park has none of this. The lanes on 13th NW and 14th NW end before the park. I St and K St are absolutely not bikeable for an inexperienced cyclist. And you can’t even bike on the sidewalk (legally) because it’s in the weird CBD trapezoid.

We need to demand better.

Riding the bus

It was warm out today, one of the first really warm days we’ve had this summer. I was walking up 14th St NW and noticed a vehicle in the bus lane.

“I think I’ll take the bus the rest of the way’, I thought.

I got into the vehicle and greeted the driver politely. The air conditioning was a great relief. I didn’t see a place to tap my Metro card but maybe the reader was broken.

“What the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] are you doing in my car?” The driver said, rudely.

“Oh!” I exclaimed. “I think you’re mistaken. See the red paint underneath us? This is a bus lane, so this must be the bus.”

Am I the only one who regularly fantasizes about this? It’s normal, right?

A modest proposal on crime

I think it is agreed by all parties that there are two very real and major issues facing Washington, DC at this time. These issues cause great distress to residents, and drastically reduce our quality of life and property values.

These issues, of course, are 1) crime, and 2) the people who put their dog poop bags in my trash can. Those bags never come out! The trash collectors don’t get them so they just stay there to stink and attract rats. Whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of solving these terrible and quite equally detrimental problems, would deserve so well of the public, as to have their statue set up for a preserver of the city.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

We can correct these two issues with one glorious solution, and bring our fair city to new heights for all. First, we must collect these leavers of poop bags. Then, taking our cues from the 1987 classic film, Robocop, we use the finest modern technology and replace some or most of the offenders organic body parts and organs with metal, wires, and perhaps gears. And definitely guns. The Robocops will need guns. Then the new recruits of this Poop Bag Robocop Patrol, presented by Mayor Muriel Bowser (She has not been informed of the program but it’s only a matter of time before she throws the full weight of The Green Team behind it) will set out to prevent crime! They won’t be allowed SUVs or cell phones so they can’t fall into the laziness trap that plagues MPD. Instead, they will wander the streets unceasingly, sniffing out and eradicating crime any time, day or night.

And lest we think these metal crime-fighting heroes might become a burden to the city themselves, imagine this: how many criminals do you suppose the PBRP must publicly murder before the rest get the picture? I, again humbly, suggest it would be very few indeed. The number could be even lower, perhaps, if we ensure that these murders are put on TikTok, set to the choruses of some of the latest songs popular among the kids. And then the Robocops will slowly run out of batteries, becoming statues to remind us of our crime-ridden past. They can then be used as bike and scooter racks, or to post No Parking signs when people need moving vans or whatever.

And how might we pay for this? Corporate sponsorship. The Robocops will have plenty of space on their shiny carapaces which can be covered in ads! CVS currently sponsors our own Washington Spirit, and they would be a perfect partner for the PBRP. Since CVS is already the symbolic embodiment of crime in the city – I mean, the CVS in Columbia Heights CLOSED. I didn’t even realize that was a thing that could happen. But soon it will be able to reopen, more glorious and profitable for the corporate landlord than ever before, as our city basks in the glow of a new light!

I profess in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my city. Removing the poop bags from my trash can might seem in my personal interest, but one must look at the broader picture, where if my trash cans are not a constant buffet for rats, then perhaps these cursed creatures might be fully driven from our city!

With no apologies whatsoever to Jonathan Swift.