I just posted about how much I hate elevators, and how I can’t take the stairs up at work because they lock the doors. Well, they just started leaving the doors unlocked. So now I don’t have to wait for the elevator when I come back from getting coffee! I still can’t walk up from the parking garage, but that’s an extra three floors - I don’t feel bad riding the elevator up six flights.
Now, kids, here’s how you can complain about both sides of an issue. It requires a delicate amount of self-deprecation, a little poetic license, and a flexible moral compass. With practice, you, too, can become a professional complainer. You must learn to deal with the classic complainer’s Catch-22. The problem now is that I have to walk up the dang stairs, or else I can no longer be smug about those who ride the elevators. I just started going to the gym again last week after a month and a half off, and thirty five minutes on the elliptical makes your legs tired. And now I have to walk up the stairs or risk invalidating a previous complaint.
Here’s where we redirect the complaint, taking the blame away from ourselves.
The building security people are clearly out to get me. They must read the site, and know that they’ve come up against a formidable foe, a complainer with a mission and an audience. So they have set out to undermine me. They think they can respond to my complaint, and I’ll quietly continue to use the elevator, despite my protests.
Finally, we say things that don’t mean much, but sound good on television, to leave the reader feeling inspired. No one pays attention to the middle of something they read, just the beginning and the end.
They will be disappointed. I will take the stairs. Two at a time, if necessary. I will not be defeated! They think they can grease the squeaky wheel and get away unscathed, but that is not the way the world works. I’m on to you, building security. I’m going to take the stairs every day, just to spite you.